Fleeing From Failure & Man

I think every progress of growth starts by being spurned on by the fear of what you do not want to become.

Fear of man. Fear of failure. Those two things seem to have always been huge factors of reasons why I don’t like to pursue the things I love. Why I’m scared of growth. Because growth is uncomfortable. Growth means putting yourself out there. Growth means risk of rejection. Growth means opportunity to fail.

I’ve diminished desires, shut down dreams, and have convinced myself at times its better to watch those pursue crazy dreams than to be considered one who does. I’m going to expand on these two fears, for if you have them too, it is worth talking about them.

1/Fear of Man

I’ve heard unkind words said behind my back. I’ve seen disapproving nods. I’ve seen people just not get what you’re trying to convey, because it’s different than how they would do it. I’ve been disliked. I’ve had rejection.

All things that every human has had to handle.

A friend recently approached me and told me about a once friend that will not stop talking about me & my life because of supposed jealousy. We haven’t seen each other in three years, we have no idea who each other is anymore or who we have become.

I drove home and cried after I heard. Yet for the first time, it was not for me that I cried. I did not know what was said, I did not care about being miscommunicated. My first thought was not desiring to be vindicated, for I already oddly felt that. No, tears did not fall because I was hurt, tears fell because of how much she was hurting herself.

And then through all the hurt that I saw flying around, I felt the Lord’s whispers again in this heart. I heard His heart for her, and I heard His heart for me. “If only we all knew,” I whispered back. “If only we all truly knew the love found in the heart of God.”

Sometimes people choose to stay in the past, because they refuse to press into the hope of the future. Sometimes those people choose to hurt, because they’re clinging on to hurt rather than freedom. Sometimes those hurt people say hurtful things about you.

Our hearts should mourn with those stuck in the past. Mourn for they refuse to move forward and instead run backwards. They hurt themselves, and in that we should go to our knees. When our flesh cries out against injustice of being misunderstood or miscommunicated, our spirit should choose to rise in surrender. To pray for those who persecute you, whether physically or verbally. To put an end to the hurt of words of man by choosing to end it there instead of letting it continue its cycle.

The switch?

I am more afraid of not pursuing the things the Lord has for me more than the wagging tongues of man.

We scream it until our hearts believe it. We believe it until we begin to speak it. We speak it with hopes that it will bring change and freedom. We press into freedom, because we know that only in freedom, will we begin to love again.

2/Fear of Failure

Ah. My greatest, daily, fleshly battle. I have always been my worst enemy, my worst critique.

When I faced rejection, I would think all night about what I did wrong. When I missed one shot in a soccer game after scoring three, I would have a hard time celebrating. When I sin, I’ll see you in a year after I’ve locked myself in a room because I’m corrupted with the thoughts of failure.

I’m terrified of disappointing God. I’m terrified of disappointing man. I’m terrified of disappointing myself.

There’s been moments I’ve missed to love on someone, because I fear I’ll fail the call. It’s an ironic thing, isn’t it? That when we fear to fail, and we walk in that, we are choosing what we fear most.

The switch?

I am more afraid of missing opportunities to grow with the Lord than the fear of the “what if”.

We scream it until our hearts believe it. We believe it until we begin to speak it. We speak it with hopes that it will bring change and freedom. We press into freedom, because we know that only in freedom, will we begin to love again.

So there ya have it. The real fears that are my daily battle. The ones that I have seen incredibly growth at times, and then the ones that come back in random moments where I think, “Wow. That’s still in me?”

But yet here I am. In the state of becoming.

There has been freedom from both of those fears- in powerful, powerful ways. Opportunities for those fears to shine through have been blessings, because in those opportunities, I’ve seen that God truly has been at work in my life. When I doubt His presence and His nearness, those opportunities show His presence all the more-so.

Our fears should not inhibit us from growing- no, they should motivate. They should exist only to point us to growth. They should motivate us to run away from them, for we fear to mold into them.

I refuse to mold into what I fear most. So in that place, I chose to become everything those fears aren’t. I choose those daily, and a lot of times, I mess it completely up. Yet I am choosing. For I know grace does not flow from this wretched heart- I know grace flows abundantly from the One who set it into motion.

And so when you’re battling, with those terribly, lying little fears, you shout truths with all your might. You remind yourself of growth, and the freedom you’ve had from those fears. You chant:

We scream it until our hearts believe it. We believe it until we begin to speak it. We speak it with hopes that it will bring change and freedom. We press into freedom, because we know that only in freedom, will we begin to love again.